Fear of life

Today I woke up. It was 9.30, and my immediate response was: I feel tired, I don’t want to get up. And then I felt a rush of fear running through my heart and belly. I felt a clenching feeling in my chest. I felt as if I had a very scary thing that I needed to do today. But then I realized I had nothing planned for today! I could do whatever I wanted to do. And still, I had this fear that if I would set one foot out of the door, I would be eaten by a tiger.

So I did the destructive thing that I always do. I went on my phone and for 2 straight hours, I was looking at bullshit, while this nagging voice in my head was telling me to get up and take a shower because I always feel good after a shower, which is weird but true. But knowing this as a fact still does not make me get out of bed.

And then I had enough. I have worked so hard on myself, and still, the most important thing that effected so many other decisions in my life was too difficult: getting out of bed and enter life.

I realized I had this pattern since my teenage years. I think it was because I was struggling to find a feeling of safety at school and at home. Getting out the door into high school, was the same as getting outside and being chased by a tiger. My nervous system is in flight mode every morning, even though there are no threats anymore.

So I planned a hypnosis session for today which was beautiful! I found out that the other reason why I couldn’t get out of bed, was because I wanted to have control over the day. But you can’t have control over something that you don’t know what will happen. So the fear of not being in control, makes me stay in bed.

We visualized a beautiful garden with statues of myself, looking like memories in which I felt super strong, confident and free, and statues of memories where I felt alone and trapped. And we let the energy out of the bad memories by taking away the batteries and putting them into the strong memories. We also looked at my existential fear of ending up alone and replaced it with a feeling of being complete. And I found out the opposite of fear for me is curiosity! So I’m very curious about what will happen tomorrow morning…

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