I have toxic traits. I am human. I am conditioned. I had role models. I have been through trauma. And every day I do my best to be the best version of myself. As a person and as a relationship coach. Those are 2 very different things, because they are 2 different roles.

For example, you could be a teacher, and also follow a study which also makes you a student. It would be very weird when you would attend a class as the student, you would stand up and start teaching instead of the teacher.
It would also be weird that if you had diner with your friends, you would stand up as a teacher and explain them things about the food. You wouldn’t have any friends left.
We all have different roles that comes with different behavior. In real life I can find it very challenging to say no to a friend. As a relationship coach I find it very easy. It’s 2 different things.

I’ve had schema therapy a while back. In this therapy you examine your survival mechanisms that are created in your childhood and that are called schemas/modes. My top 3 modes were: the punitive parent, the abondened child and for me the most toxic and most shameful one: the self-aggrandiser. “When in this mode you behave in an entitled, competitive, or status-seeking way in order to have whatever you want. You can be self-absorbed and demonstrate superiority and expect to be treated as special. You crave for admiration.” Ouch. Talking about a shadow side right!

And actually, when I’m in this last mode (again, I feel shame and nervessnous even admitting this one to you readers), the sad thing is, deep down inside I feel very lonely and unseen during this mode. This one arises when I am so scared of rejection, I don’t express my needs. And then the survival mechanism kicks in: I become entitled. But my inner child within just really wants to be seen and is desperate for connection.

So you never know, what kind of pain goes on inside of a person when he behaves horribly! I would say, always a lot!

Want to know more about survival mechanisms? Send me a pm for a free discover session!


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