The fixer as survival mechanism
I confess. I’m guilty of taking the therapist role (or “the fixer”) in a relationship. I’m a recovering addict! So I had to sit myself down and think this through. Why am I doing this? What’s in it for me?
One of the reasons is the pride that I fellt over myself when I fixed the other. I feel of value. And I realize that’s an ego thing. I realized that I might not find myself good enough if I don’t fix it. Or worse, that the other person doesn’t see me as good enough or as of value.
The other part is, as long as I’m fixing the other, I don’t have to look at my own stuff. It actually creates a safe distance and also an upper position. Again another ego thing. I don’t have to show up as vulnerable. So how do I prevent stepping into this role?
It’s not easy, because I love my job as a coach! I was observing people from a very young age, coming from hypervigilance. It’s my natural thing to do! I think it starts by not getting the shot. Not giving advice. Not sending that interesting piece of theory. Just show up, be there, and hold space. And damn, that stuff feels vulnerable. I really have to face my insecurities with this one. But having the therapist role in a relationship has cost me too much. It was draining my energy. It was taking all the fun out of the relationship. I was feeling too responsible. I was way too much in my masculine energy. So I’m done with that! I am ready to have some fun!
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