Today it really struck me. I avoid in order to not having set boundaries. It was something very small that created the insight, but it had a huge impact.

A friend of mine texted me. I saw her name in the top of my screen, and my first response was: “don’t open it, because what if she texts to meet up, and I don’t want that, and I then have to say no, and I’m scared to do that, you know what, I’ll read it later”. So I put down my phone, and then I realized what I did, and why I did it. To avoid setting boundaries and reject the other.

I realized I do this often. Not with everyone, only with people that I had the experience with that they wanted something from me, that I didn’t have the energy or space to give that. I then don’t read the text for hours, in order to avoid saying no or setting the boundary. But in those hours my attention is partly with that text. It’s draining my energy in the back of my mind.

I asked myself, what happens if I set that boundary? She might feel rejected or hurt. Will I survive? Yes I will! Will I rather set the boundary now and it’s done, or shall I do it later and worry about it the whole time. Now is better and more empowering.

So I opened the text and yes, she did ask for a phone call. And I tuned in with myself and I actually felt I could give that. It turned out to be a lovely phone call. No energy was drained. And she did ask for a meetup soon, but since the phone call was so nice, I felt I wanted to do that too. So the whole anxiety only played out in my head. And it made me realize again that avoiding is in such small things but can have a huge effect on my energy.
The reason I do it is because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, because if I do, they might hate me and reject me for it, which means “I could die” (which off course is not true, but that’s what my nervous system thinks).

From now on, I will ask myself: do I survive setting a boundary? And open the text right away.

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#relationshiptherapy#codependant#rejection#abandonment#attachmentstyles#anxious#fearfulavoidant#dismissiveavoidant#boundaries

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