I need space.
3 months ago, I finally dared to really own my need for space. Because up until that time it was rejected and shamed by society, media, and partners.
We are told we should live together, get married, and sleep in the same bed. But we all have different needs when it comes to space. This need stems from conditioning, character, physical biology, and trauma.
Growing up, I was a book nerd. My most favorite thing from the age of 5 was locking myself up in my room and read like 7 books a week. I had a difficult time connecting with kids at school and also at home, so it was also my survival mechanism. In these books I fled to other worlds, my most favorite genre was adventure books.
So today, what do I love the most? Having womancave days in my dark bedroom, and going travelling as much as I can.
3 months ago I lived together with my then partner in a 1 bedroom bungalow, because of Covid circumstances. In the beginning I loved being around him all the time, because I am wired for connection, as we all are.
Because of Covid I experienced a lot of stress. And after a month it suddenly felt as if I was suffocating. I could feel a clenching in my chest and around my throat, it was that physical!
One day I woke up, and this voice inside of me said: buy another mattress. The voice kept on repeating itself over and over. But I was scared to say this to my partner, because I knew he would feel rejected.
But suddenly I heard myself say: I want to buy another matress. And he did respond rejected and hurt. He went away to talk to a friend, and she said that because we were so sensitive, it was actually unhealthy for our energy bodies to spend every night in the same bed! And because I had stress, I couldn’t do what my nervous system asked me to do, which was, lock myself up in my bedroom and recharge.
The next day I bought a mattress and when I could I moved out. And from that moment on I accepted, allowed, and loved my need for space. This is me. This is okay. This is not something I need to work on. My need is allowed. I am good enough. I don’t want to live together. I need my own space.
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