Guilt is probably one of the most challenging emotional experiences for me. Beneath guilt is the fear of not being good enough and beneath that is the fear of being rejected and beneath that is the fear of being alone and beneath that is the fear of death. This is talked a lot about in the codependency theory.
Most of my childhood I felt very lonely. It was such a difficult period that I can still feel that this fear of ending up alone is still on the surface of my being. Even though I actually love being alone and I have very close friends.
Even if I would be rejected, I know I have the skills and mental capacity to deal with it. My inner child needs to learn to trust that.
I have the most guilt about being frugal/greedy, and not being there for someone when they reach out. But in order to be the best version of myself I need to manage my energy very cautiously.
Lately the universe is testing me, to make me really stand my ground and act according my self-worth and integrity.
For example, it just keeps on sending: acquaintances that want my relationship advice for free and I don’t have the energy, new clients that are not a match with my work ethics and style and I have to decline, friends that want to borrow my money but I feel it’s disempowering if I do so, a third date I had to cancel because I felt I wasn’t ready even though he was under the impression I was.
My nervous system is overwhelmed with all the guilt that comes from saying no. And one of the most challenging things that I am teaching myself is that it’s more important to stay in integrity to myself than to keeping my word. To undo certain decisions that came from the fear and unworthiness of my lower self and to keep acting from my higher self. And I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. I forgive myself for the confusion and pain this might arise in people. But I have to be true to myself. My body says no if I doesn’t.
(And yes, I desperately need a new photoshoot that matches my new hair 😊)
Morgen laatste dag om je aan te melden voor mijn “Boost je relatie” – 21 dagen challenge. Voor meer info zie www.howtolove101.com/nl/workshops-2/