People that have abandonment issues generally have a hard time letting go of an ex. But you know what, it’s not about the ex. It’s about certain (probably rare) moments with that ex, that they felt a very deep connection. Craving for that connection brings up a certain melancholy, that the brain gets addicted to.
Every time you think of a memory like that, you give your brain a dopamine shot, and that’s how you get hooked to your ex. This also means, when you stay in contact with that ex, even by whatsapp, you will stay addicted because of that dopamine shot that arises when you get a message. Also in those melancholic memories you idealize the relationship, and forget about all the highs and lows and how the ex was a complete mismatch when it comes to needs and boundaries. It also stops you from entering a new more healthy relationship. Because your energy is still hooked onto your ex, you will attract people that fall for unavailable people, so people with abandonment issues. And then you might find yourself switching poles, and be the one with the commitment issues. And again you will be in a pursuer-distancer dynamics relationship.
I had an ex I couldn’t let go of for 10 years. Every single day I thought back of all the beautiful moments and the big heart that he had. Until I did a 10 day Vipassana retreat (no talking, meditating for 10 hours a day) and damn, then you have time to think! So I decided to not only think of the good memories, but also the bad ones. And then I found out, we actually were disconnected for most of our relationship, and the few moments we were connected, it was super beautiful and intense. But I realized that we were a complete mismatch relationship wise. And boom! I never longed for him again! I sometimes think of him and his good heart, but then I just send him love and light.
So sit yourself down and make 3 lists. The first one is about your ideal relationships, and what kind of needs and boundaries you desire if it was completely up to you. Then make a list about the relationship with your ex and write down every time those needs were not fulfilled and the other crossed a boundary. Really be honest with yourself. And then write down all the times with your ex you did feel that deeper connection that you are still craving for, and try to remember the situation in which that occurred. Was it after a fight for example? And then look at the 3 lists and let that sink in.