There were relationships in the past where I did everything to avoid rejection or abandonment by my partner, which is one of the symptoms of codependency. I changed completely into the person I thought they wanted me to be, which meant I totally lost my self, my identity, my values and the things I did for fun.
Here is a list of the things I stopped to doing to avoid rejection or abandonment: going out to bars with friends, making funny sexual jokes in front of other guys (it’s a joke, not a dick, don’t take it so hard), going to parties if an ex would be there, , saying anything when he showed up hours late, drinking too much, wearing clothes that could be perceived as too sexual.
And this is a list of the things I started doing to get his approval and so he wouldn’t leave me:
answering the phone even when I was super tired and felt no space, texting him at certain times so he wouldn’t get anxious, having more sex, doing the household, lending out all of my money, watching my diet, growing my hair, agreeing with things I didn’t believe in, seeing him more often than I longed for.
Losing myself ended into depression every time. Since I knew I couldn’t trust myself staying true to myself, I stayed single for many many years, until I knew I learned the lesson to keep on being me.
With that a new challenge arised. I became too rigid about it. My boundaries became walls. I did not compromise. I fought like a lion for who who I was and what I did.
But I was aware. I talked about it with my partner. I talked to friends about it. Until I did find a healthy compromise.
It will always need my attention. And that is okay. I’m allowed to find a balance. I’m allowed to not keeping my word and changing my mind, if that means I stay in integrity to myself.